Sunday, 8 August 2010
Saying that I got up on the wrong side of the bed is an understatement. There's always a reason for everything. Even for my foul mood.
The day I decided I wanted to be a doctor, I knew that I would have to make a lot of sacrifices. And that includes a lot of things that I like. Really, it's so hard to give up a lot of things but I'm getting there. I still have to learn to get over some things like, not being able to come home regularly and not being able to join family get-together thingies. When I think of it, it really does cause me great distress because I'm used to go out with my family. There are also a lot of things that I want to do, like travel the world and all sorts of stuff but I just have to give that up while I'm in med school.
So I just can't accept it that some people had to mock you about these kinds of things. They don't know shit on how hard it really is for me.
And what's worse, it had to come from the persons who I think would understand these things.
Though I'm more serious now and have a decreased tolerance for bullshit, I have retained some of the fun aspects of my personality. But sometimes, you have to know the limits of what is amusing and what is offensive. Let's take the word: LOSER.
I know that I'm a total loser for not having gone out of the country. Even if it's my ultimate dream to see the world, a lot of things prevent me from doing so. First, it is not cheap and we aren't that rich. And second, I always have limited time. I know and I understand that. But now that an opportunity is coming but my schedule won't permit me, it's a bit frustrating for me. But I can't do anything about that so I have to be a bitter bitch until it passes about.
SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ABOUT AND RUB IT ALL OVER MY FACE.
You guys keep on calling me that but I don't retaliate even if it offends me so much. I just give a few remarks in order to make you stop but you just DON'T. At times I can tolerate it but when you had to have to call me that every time that the SG trip is in hot topic, it's TOO MUCH. Why would I be cooperative when you ask me through text on what my schedule is while addressing me as LOSER? Why do everytime we have to talk about it you guys have to address me like that? Kung pwede naman talaga, sasama ako eh. Palibhasa kasi hindi nyo alam kung gaano pa ako nahihirapang tanggapin na mapapag-iwanan ako. There are some instances that I had to cry out of frustration. And what hurts me more, you don't notice that it makes me feel bad. I feel that I have chosen the most epic of all epic failures and made the stupidest decision by going to med school. Calling me a loser made me even more determined to drag my ass to a plane kaso nakakadagdag lang sa stress. You guys just don't know that I have already reached a point that I want to quit because I'm so stressed out and you are not helping. You're stressing me out even more.
This morning was just too much. I was oversleeping because I stayed up late because I have difficulty falling asleep and that I still have many things to research on. I had to get up because it's almost 12 and I can hear the word: LOSER. And I know that includes me again. Nakakasira ng araw lalo na at pagod na pagod ako tapos yun ang unag-unang maririnig mo sa umaga. Pagbaba mo, di mo naririnig pero sumesenyas ng "L". Nakakairita. Akala nyo hindi ko nakikita yun. Sige nga, ipaparanas ko sa inyo yung pakiramdam na binabalahura ka. Nainis na talaga ako kaya bumanat na ako. Hindi ko na nagawang magbiro.
At syempre pagbanat ko, ako na naman ang masama. Nagkaron na naman ng bagong kahulugan ang mga bagay na ginawa ko, kahit naman hindi iyon ang ibig kong sabihin. Sinubukan kong magpaliwanag, pero tuluy-tuloy pa rin ang pagsigaw sa akin. Sa bandang huli, naiyak na lang ako. Bakit pa ako magsasalita kung wala rin namang makikinig?
I can't say this out loud because I know nobody will listen to me. No one does. Whan they do, they cut me off early on. So it's fucking useless to open up.
Tinamad tuloy akong mag-aral. Fuck tomorrow's IC Pedia simulation.