Looking for Something?

Friday, 27 January 2012

Burnout

I’ve always been a diligent student for the past years. Reading in advance and finishing my tasks on time has ever been a problem with me because I feel that if I mess up along the way, I would disappoint my parents big time. All the hard work was rewarded when I landed on the top ten of our class.

However, I feel like it was more of a curse, rather than a reward.

First off, I study at my own pace and I do it for myself and not to please others. Ever since that commendation, most people think that I do not have the right to flunk an exam. Oh how they’d react when they find out I failed the exam, like it’s a heinous crime. It puts so much pressure on me because it makes me feel bad about myself.

If you know me well, you’d know that I’m the type of student who reads from the book first before reading the transcriptions. It helps me identify the incorrect information from the transcriptions. But with the heavy load of what we need to read per subject, I couldn’t finish reading everything on the book so I resort to reading the transcriptions only on the part that I haven’t read on the book. Ever since I was doing that, my grades became mediocre. And it’s not my fault that I can’t understand fragmented knowledge and it’s not my fault if I’m not used to it.

Secondly, whenever professors start to call out the “Top 10 Students” if no one can answer their questions, it stresses me out. Honestly, I don’t like reciting in class. FYI, it doesn’t mean that when you’re in the top ten, you know the answer all the time.

Another thing is that people think that you can do anything because you’re in the freaking top ten. Whenever there’s a group work, people are so quick to point at you. When you refuse because you’re not really good at it, they’ll insist, “Kaya mo naman yan, kaya ka nga top ten”. Excuse me for living but I’m not McGyver, or Chuck Norris to begin with.

God, I’m so tired. I’m not satisfied at all because for me, what I do is substandard already. I need some rest.

No comments: